The littlest Bonobo

Consonant reader,

"There's a voice, keeps on calling me.." and to combat this annoying internal narrative, I take a horse- load of valium  and come up smiling on Tuesday. This drug taking instantly gets rid of those pesky whispers at the back of my hed and puts me in good stead for the rest of the week.

Almost as quickly as I came back from holiday, I'm off again, over to see Crumb tonight (We haven't seen each other since the last ice age) to chew the fat of many a long day and perhaps wash the evening down with a bottle of wine and maybe another bottle of wine, and we may even watch 'One Of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing' as we are fond of doing at around 2 in the morning.

Then Saturday sees me tidying up my Bristol property, dusting, hoovering, washing and cleaning the godamned bathroom.

I haven't touched that god foreskin place since I moved in. That was 3 years ago. Things have moved on.  Things have grown.  Things have gone brown.  Things have gone green.  Things have been left to go very, very godmaned bad in that room.  I'm going to have to face my worst fears and actually clean it this time(Either that or call in two priests of whom the power of christ can compel them). All in all its one yucky job.

Then for the next week I'm off to North Wales to catch up with my mate Nev in Colwyn Bay (Also known as 'The Pit of Desolation and Purgatory for All Humankind'- but most people use 'Colwyn Bay') and then on to a place called Mold, near Chester. This is the abode of my daddio. Everytime I mention to friends that my dad lives in Mold, you wouldn't believe some of the comic responses I get! (Mainly related to the confusion of the words Mould/Mold)

After this I'm up to York for a few days next weekend (7th/8th) and then moseying back to focus on moving. One day I'll slow down, but right now, I got to get my motor runn-ing... and get out on that hagh-wheeyy...

B x.

Gloucester: The Sequel

Consonant reader,

Yesterday, myself and the lady girlfriend went to visit the vale of Gloucester.  I came down from Worcester and she, up from Bath.  Our mission?  To find lodgings together. 

As avid fans would no doubt be aware I left the vibrant city of Bristol back in February to move back up to Worcester to finish my course, and now find myself caught between 2 or 3 different places to stay at the moment- Bristol, Bath and Worcester.

However as my girl has got her teaching job about 20 miles northish of Bath, and myself in Hereford, the city of Gloucester is almost completely equi-distant between the two areas. Long term aim here is to look to buy a house together, but before we go into the Eternal Chains of Mortgage (Does 'mortgage' mean something to do with death? I'm sure I heard one time in the past talk of how it meant a debt than ran with you until you died.  There's a chilling thought), we must fight the Ever- flowing Rivers of Rent. So yesterday we arranged ourselves viewings on a number of different properties throughout Gloucester.

Now I studied in this fair city a while back over a period of 2 years.  I have to say, as a student I found it depressing at times and really was glad to see the back of it.  I'm sure I vowed if ever I did go back I would have to kill myself or at least give myself a chinese burn (OOOYAH!). Well thankfully I'm still here, so I obviously didn't top meself.  Instead we were taken around a great many different properties, some nice, some absolutely buggering horrible places I thought only existed in nightmares and in the minds of the insane.

There was one place we viewed which I knew would be good.  It would be good only for the fact that it had a knee tapping, rip roaring, thigh slapping, kick startin', god- pounding, cool tastin', son of a bitch- don't I love it, yes I do I do I DO lovely pub nearby. 

This pub, although extremely pedestrian to look at outside and probably inside, is one of my favourite pubs in de vurld. I've had many a good time in there, I nearly got into a fight there, I've fainted and had a plan to set fire to the carpet by spraying the word POPSCENE onto the floor in lighter fluid. (Not surprisingly that genius plan never came to fruition, as I was drunk. Drunk in a pub, who'd have thunk it?) This pub got me through the depressing times in Gloucester, it served as a kind of community centre to go of a night and spend a whole £1 on a pint of Strongbow or Hofmeister (Happy Hour Saturday 8-10.)

The place to be viewed was a second floor flat (As in ground, first and second ok?), which looked very nice, lots of room and much better than the other flats we'd seen around.  This place is in the centre, near a park (Just over the road) and wooden floorboards so if I spill any Raspberry slush puppie, all I need do is wipe it up! Better than carpets if ya renting!

Plus its a gnats cock away from the pub I was on about! Heaven! We took the place then and there(Well we weighed up the pros and cons, then I mentioned the pub and that was that, jobs a good 'un) and now we move in mid- August, which will demand a few mad days sorting out everything move- wise. Oh it'll be fun fun fun...

Also the flat is even nearer, say a good gnats pubic hair to.. Cromwell Street.  Which leads to the awful joke of why Fred West used to go into the nearby pub.  When asked what he'd have he'd reply that he could murder a few tenants...

Well murderer jokes aside I'm looking forward to the move.  The lady and I (the tramp) had a walk around Gloucester after we'd sealed the deal, and it dawned on me that, yeah, Gloucester ain't half bad REALLY.  Everything's there that you need and you're only an hour away from Bristol, Cardiff or Birmingham and thankfully, miles away from Norwich *shudder*.

They say 'Never go back', whereas now I would probably say 'Dogs cocks to that proverb'.

B x.

Right here and now!

Consonant reader,

Glad to be back in the UK I tell ya.  A part of me feels like the rest of the world is moving on at a quicker pace than usual when I'm away from the World of Blog.

The holiday was a complete success in seriously fucking up my sinuses and getting my skin the shade of murky coffee.  No, honestly I loved it.  It was strictly a family affair with mum, dad and sis all together for one last blast before.. well the next one I suppose.  Croatia is lovely and I sincerely hope you go one day in the future.  I spent time on the island of Korcula towards the south- east coast but there's obviously more to see and do in Croatia than just that.  Well, theres always next time..

I spent most of my days in the sea.  This involved a great deal of snorkeling and for a good half of the holiday as you've read, I was involved in a scuba course which was pretty ruddy awesome.  I'm looking forward to having a dive here in the UK waters, although I've been told the visibility of the sea will be considerably less than crystal clear around the UK waters.  Infact, I may well only see the occasional 'mersey trouts' swim past my mask.

Scuba diving can play complete havoc with your sinuses as I've just moaned about, but at one point in the holiday I suffered to the extreme.  One long hot day, something in my head just snapped and I felt as if someone had plugged my head into the mains.  I had to cradle my head to shield the pain which was just literally pumping around the back of my head.  This was worse than a migraine I assure you.  I couldn't speak to anyone only mustering a meek little whisper to communicate with anybody.  And I had to keep reminding myself to breath over all the searing pain.  Apparently this was a common thing in divers, especially those who go down to depth and who have sinus problems.  Add to the problem the fact that I had drunk very little water in the past few days, it led to serious results.  The headache lasted for a whole day, all through the night too. Owww...

But I did catch up on some book reading.  I got through 'The Crow Road', then onto 'The Talisman' and finally onto 'Black House', at least I didn't get caught short and find there was nothing to read on holiday as per Turkey but at the same time, I did over- compensate with the books.  I didn't need to bring them all really.

And now the holiday is over and its back to being Bonobo.  Lots to do now, moving my stuff around, finding somewhere to rest my head (I'm semi- homeless- but in a nice way) and generally earn some pounds for a few weeks whilst at the same time try and get round to seeing everyone I haven't seen in a good millenia.  Its all go.

B x.

Live from Croatia

Consonant reader,
 
I'm sitting down in the tourist information centre on the island of Korćula in front of a PC and the monitor is swaying from side to side.  I am, to all intents and purposes suffering from either dehydration or motion sickness.  I think its probably a mixture of the two.
 
I'm having a lovely old time here in Croatia and just found the means to compose a blog at an internet point this morning.  The weather is sunny most of the time but you can get days where its a bit windy but I'm not complaining!
 
The reason I'm suffering from the above symptoms is because for the past 5 days I've been undertaking a pretty intensive scuba diving course! At the end of this I'll be a qualified diver! How mad is that!  I'm doing it with a BSAC (British Sub-Aqua Club) school near my hotel with a couple who began their trade in Potsmouth and then moved out here! Had to do exams and go to lectures- dodn't feel like a holiday for a while but I passed them ok. Had to learn a lot of emergency procedures underwater- rescue, giving spare air to someone- all of which are important when you'e underneath the briny blue.
 
But scuba diving is the prawn's crackers! I love it! Yesterday I went under to 12.6 metres (You must reach 20 to become a diver proper)- seen schools of fish of all weird and wonderful shapes and sizes, octopus and oddly, a load of cow bones. So amidst this, I've had little time to relax yet! I'll be back on Saturday and hopefully will have found time to unwind and read all those books I harped on about (I did finish The Crow Road- crackin'), until then I'm off for another dive or five...
 
See you back in the UK very soon (I miss bacon sandwiches)...
 
B x. 

A few words before I fuck off again...

The Official Croatic Flag - This is the flag of the country I'll be visiting. I'm only borrowing it for a bit...


Consonant reader,

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Wise words Mr. Bueller and how apt they are for my good self at the moment. On Friday I worked my final day at the school I will eventually call 'home'. I left a week early in order to jet off to Croatia on Sunday morning (Getting up at 4am!) so I said my goodbyes to all the staff, the kids were pretty tearful and they'll probably not get over it until I return in the Autumn.

Hyah, reet.

Then I jetted down to Bath to see the girl for the night and then this morning flew back up to pack for the holiday. Over the past couple of days, there have been times when I have thought of ideas thinking 'that would make a great blog entry', but failed to write it down and so subsequently this is a very normal blog with little in the way of originality or interest.

However, last night I did go out with the girl and I finally had a drink in an English pub, the first one for a good 2 months I think. In one particular pub I ordered a 'Ladyboy' ala Alan Partirdge, which was a drink or rather an assortment of drinks consisting of Baileys, a G + T and a pint of lager. 'Ooo ladyboys' I said, whilst drunk.

Another nugget of goodness came from a conversation with
Pencil, where we devised an alternative cuss to 'Jesus Christ', as it can be seen as heresy sometimes, with, instead the culinary- exclamation of 'Cheese on rice'. Apart from that, as I say very little has happened.

I am to be away now for 2 whole weeks again, this time with plenty to read whilst soaking up the sun (if there is any, I'm told we're due for thunderstorms.. shit). It'll be a larf anyway...

Anyway, hope you all take care of each other and don't do anything stupid, like:

-Fall out of a moving bus
-Start a fight with a heavyweight boxer
-Commit a crime of any nature (fraud, murder etc.)
-Get your hand caught in a vehicle door (cars, mini vans etc.)
-Get burgled and then find out your insurance lapsed last week
-Whilst on a moving bus catch your hand in the door and blame the nearest available person who happens to be a heavyweight boxer which results in you starting a fight with said boxer whilst in the knowledge you've been burgled that morning and your on your way to the insurance company in town to sort it out then accidentally kill the boxer and fall out of the bus.

Any of the above (or any related events), try to avoid like the plaque. Till then, peace out moi luvvers, and I'll leave you now with a long facking pause.

Uncle Travelling B x.

I need medication for my sleep deprivation

Consonant reader,

No, please stop me if you've heard this one before... But have you heard about the dyslexic agnostic amnesiac?

He stayed awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

Haw haw boom-boom! ..But joking aside and seriousness dragged into play for a sweet second, I've not been sleeping well. This whole week so far has been a bad one for me. I lie down at a reasonable time and try to get off to sleep. For about half an hour, my body is tricked into thinking its going to sleep. My eyes shut then open again as I pull the covers off because I instantly get too hot. My eyes shut again and I then breathe in and out a little deeper.

I might start to think about the days events, might reflect on any things that may be on my mind, things I'm worried about, things I'd wish I could remember or things I'd rather forget, things I love and things I want to stand well clear of. In this mess of thoughts I seem to think this is the soft dreamy corridor that I'll glide down to entice me into a deeply delicious and sumptuous movie-star sleep, the like of which Sleeping Beauty never had.

And then BOOF! I'm wide awake again! Something inside snaps and I'm out of the dream- world and back into the realm of night. I begin to panic because I start to think of all those people who all around the country, went to bed after me, then went to bed themselves and who are now FAST ASLEEP! Oh god! I've been left behind! Again! I bolt upright, mutter some random comment to the opposite wall ("..Wha' yu lookin' a' yu stoopid blurdy.. wall...") and lie back down again.

My sleep then takes a good 3 hours or so to reach its final short lived conclusion letting me get up at around 5.30 which I usually do without the help of a frigging alarm clock.

At school, I find this impinges greatly on my work. When I ask for a pupil to give their answer, they will answer me. As they are doing so, and talking back to me, I will begin to yawn as if I didn't really give a shit what they were saying to me. Also just when people talk to me in the staffroom I can't help but yawn. Its not because they're boring! I'm just physically depleted of any va-va-voom, and it shows...

What the sweet lordy fuck is-a-going-on-here? I need to put my finger on whatever it is I'm concerned about, but it could be anything.. I mean, I'm off to Croatia on Sunday, maybe its that?

Maybe I've got Croat- related anxiousness all over me?
Maybe I'm secretly fearing this holiday but won't admit it.
Maybe its the food I'm eating?
Well, no. I've been eating nothing odd in the past few weeks, you know like Roast Wolf or Baked Penguin.

I don't know. I just haven't a clue..

Any advice would be sweet, as I am obviously being troubled by some unseen phantom menace and therefore I need a new hope here people.

B x

Unenthusiastic card games and the circle of life

Consonant reader,

My sister came down to visit over the weekend, along with my girlfriend, my brother and his girlfriend and my grandma. Along with my mum and dad, it was a busy affair.

On the Saturday we all met up in the day, had a massive chat and then watched the Wimbledon Ladies Singles final, which really was a smashing bit of tennis I must say. Afterwards we all went out to a Chinese restaurant, and would you believe it, we all ate chinese food too.

When we got home, my girlfriend went to bed because she'd had a very hectic week doing supply work and also she's a bit of a lightweight too (!). So the rest of us minus Grandma too, (who had also flaked) were sitting twiddling our thumbs in the lounge. It is tradition at this point, in any family gathering in our household to have a game of Twizzle.

You may have heard of it under a different name and the rules may be slightly different. It is much like Uno if you've ever played that, but this is played with real cards and I think is a lot more fun. The rules vary from place to place but essentially:

- You start off with 7 cards and have to get rid of them all to win
- You lay your cards in the middle of the table and follow either suit or number
- The no.8 of any suit skips a go
- The king reverses direction
- 2's and 3's means you have to pick up 2 or 3 cards unless you have a 2 or 3 to also pass on

Thats the card game in a nutshell. Its great fun and you have to do the whole thing really quick otherwise you get 'twizzled' which means you have to pick up more cards.

Now, I was at Uni many moons ago and attempted to introduce this Non- Playstation high brain- concentrate group participating activity to my mates, most notably Crumb and Worzel, who in the course of a few minutes, totally panned me for trying to explain this ace game. It fell flat on its face I must admit and I couldn't raise the same kind of excitement as I could when playing it at home. The lads were unimpressed and sat there, gawping.

"But everybody loves twizzle." I pleaded.

Now, if ever I try to introduce any concept which I think might be a good idea, and it could be anything, I get a load of verbal, most notably in the form of, "Yeah Bonobo, everybody loves.. INSERT CONCEPT HERE". Bastards!

Anyway, crap card games aside, I got chatting to my sister soon after the meal and she began talking about her boyfriend's best mate, who had studied to be teacher and who had just finished his first year as a teacher.

Well, he only happened to be teaching in the same area of the world I am teaching at the moment. And apparently, this chap said he knew a girl who works at the school I'm at, who had been on the same teaching course as him.

And the person is only the same teacher who I take the register for each morning!

I mean, you couldn't plan that in a million years could you? Amazing, just pure chance, yet there is a cyclic connection in so much as I know my sister, she knows her boyfriend, he knows this guy, who knows this other teacher who met me because I take her form register! Weird or what?

I'm sure we all know pretty much everybody else simply by a few other people in between...

(Twilight Zone intro music kicks in..)

B x.

Weak week

Consonant Reader,

Ah.

There's me making a big old song and dance at the start of the week of how great it is to be back at work and how I can't wait to start earning and how I really want to get back into the swing of things, and here I am, at home, feeling ill.

I won't go into too much graphic detail about what was wrong with me, lets just say it would be a shame if Dire Straits and Chris Rea ever did play together... I had to phone the school and tell them that on my first week back out of two in total, I was ill. 'm sure it hasn't gone down well, but what can you do?

I've spent most of the day both yesterday and today sorting out little 'admin' type stuff which is always satisfying to finally put an end matters and to tie up loose ends in your life. Yesterday I watched 'Attack of the Clones', 'Al Murray: The Pub Landlord' and 'Tron' (which Crumb bought me for my berfday).

You see the problem is my body is slowing down to early. It got too used to some time off and has given up being the great immune system it once was. It still thinks I'm on holiday, which I suppose I soon will be. *yawn* But it doesn't change the fact that I'm achy, tired, have a permanent weird taste in my mouth, dodgy tum, feeling lethargic toward anything.. no... energy.. *yaaawwwn* want.. to

..sle
ee..
eep... foreverrrr...

*thwump!*

B x. zz z zz z z z zz